Heartache: Reserved

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about divorce. We were discussing how many of our friends have been divorced and/or are going through separation. I flippantly made a comment about myself that I haven’t even been married once and I have friends that are going on their 3rd or more marriage. My friend responded with, “well, at least you don’t have that heartache.” Almost as if, heartache is reserved only for those that have gone through some type of separation.

It was one of those comments that didn’t mean anything to them but it was one of those comments that certainly struck a chord that was majorly off key in my heart. Sure,  the the heartache of divorce hasn’t knocked down my doors but it doesn’t mean that heartache is an unknown foe.

Yeah, you’re right, I don’t carry around the heartache of divorce but I carry a heartache that is not like any other. The heartache of waiting and the feeling being totally forgotten. The heartache that my dreams are not important enough to be answered which can only mean that everyone else matters more than you. The heartache of rejection over and over and over which feels like it’s the only way it’ll ever be. The heartache of feeling the only option from here on out is to give up on dreams because waiting has proven to be nothing but disappointing. When disappointment is unrelenting it leaves you heartsick and I don’t know what is worse, heartache or heartsickness.

trollin’ the gram

so… tonight I was getting lost on the interwebs and read this hash tag that made me roll my eyes. It was a mom to her kids that was like “just keep God at the center and all your dreams will come true…” And I’m over here like… nope.

I am a firm believer that God is good. I really believe that. But really, I don’t know if I can believe that our dreams come true just because we keep God at the center. Sometimes, we keep God at the center and our dreams don’t come true!

For some reason, when I was going down this hole of thinking (because I know it’s a hole) I was reminded of a memory that made me start to wonder… does our spiritman know that some of those dreams, some of them that like make up all of our inner being, won’t actually come to pass? Does our spiritman get us ready for that disappointment? I remember standing in a room when my first nephew was just born. I was getting ready to leave the house and all of the sudden just hit with overwhelming grief and started to cry. I literally had no idea where it came from or why it was happening. But it was intense and from a very deep place in my being. Sometimes I think it was my spiritman allowing me to grieve that dream in advance. Like my spirit knew that that dream wasn’t going to be fulfilled, so I needed to grieve the dream, even if I didn’t understand why. I don’t know. If the spirit realm is full of so much mystery, why not? Why not prepare for the wasted dreams that will go no where but in your head?

I used to be so hyped for the prophetic. I still get stoked when I see people get totally transformed and have prophetic encounters. But I  don’t get as stoked when I start to hear the “just dream it and it’ll happen” words… cuz again…. nope… No matter how many prayers, fasts, tears, declarations, transformed thinking… sometimes, dreams actually don’t happen… Is it ok? Not really. But it kinda has to be, right?

Not one in 2017?

It’s been a minute or two since I’ve written a blog. I figured that since I’ve been writing since about 3:30pm (hashtag grad school) that writing a blog would be a great way to end the day. It’s national “singles awareness day” today.. and I am very aware. It’s a great day to ponder where I’m at in the world of relationships (no where) and it’s also a great day to ponder everything about everything but…really, that’s just everyday.

I got some lovely flowers and an awesome card from my parents today and I got my annual “check in” text from my bf. I am always so appreciative to get that check in text on the harder days. She is the only one that does that on Valentine’s Day and it always makes me tear up. For a couple of reasons, one is because she is so faithful to check in and let me know that she’s thinking about me and praying for me this day that she knows can be hard. The other, because she still has to do it.

My bf is also the only one that continually checks in with me about my single life. I mean, it’s fine that no one else does because, why? Why check in on something that has always been the reality? But still, it is nice to have one person that knows that it is important to be seen, regardless of anything changing or not.

These are the days that put singleness as a very real permanent part of my future into perspective. I never thought I’d have to consider that but the way my life has gone has forced me to realize that it may never change, even if its a desire of my heart. Because of this I may have a different perspective on my life than I did in the past. I do not feel that I have been very successful in the career decisions that I’ve made. Sure, I’ve pursued “dreams” that I always thought would get me somewhere and maybe a bit of money to go toward my “later days” in life. That has not been the case. The dream job turned out to be a bust. Then the dreams changed and became something different. Owning a business isn’t something I could live off of. And now, getting a masters degree and just digging myself into an insane amount of debt. Boy-oh-boy am I screwed if this doesn’t work out. And, at the end of the day, I feel like I don’t fully even know what “this” is!

As a single person, I have a life that I solely pay for now and in the future. The very real fact is that I don’t have a partner to share bills with or even kids to take care of me when I get into the category of an old folk. It’s all me and it’s terrifying to think about not getting some type of a gig that will actually pay real money to support myself and to put toward the future. Somehow, all of that “real career” stuff passed me by at some point on the journey, so I feel like I’m playing catch up in a major way to just get started. Yes, I know that God is good and that He always takes care of His kids. I am aware of this and I believe it. I know that He has taken care of me, there is no doubt about that. I’m sure He isn’t going to stop after I get done with school and it’ll probably be even more apparent. I’m looking forward to some crazy opportunity to “drop in my lap”. But the waiting… oh, the waiting. That’s when everything creeps its way in (and I allow it, no doubt there either).

I started this year out thinking (yet again) “maybe it’ll be ‘my’ year…” I can’t do that anymore. Too many years wasted on that. Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick… So the goal and motto for 2018 is “let’s work” cuz it’s time to let go of some dreams and make others a reality.

Hope does disappoint

It’s hard to hold onto hope.
Hope hurts.

A few years ago I felt like I saw into my future and I didn’t like what I saw. I was like, “no..that’s not going to happen because God answers or prayers and gives us the desires of our hearts…” it was a beautiful sunny, Southern Oregon summer day. I was Housesitting at a mini mansion atop a hill overlooking the mountains. My bro and his wife were visiting…so I invited the Fam up for a swim day. Sitting next to the pool my bro/his wife and my sis/her bf (at the time) sat around the table laughing and chatting about how awesome the future was going to be with all their kids running around and playing together… I was sitting on a step eating lunch alone and my parents were to sitting a bit off to the right laughing and enjoying watching everyone. And then it hit me…this was my future. My siblings with their significant others and so to be children laughing and having fun… and me… alone. Not fitting in with them cuz well..obvious, I’m alone. And then not fitting in with my parents cuz they are the parents and they have each other.

But no! I shouldn’t be thinking that, right? Cuz God hears our prayers and He gives us the desires of our hearts right? Sure. But when I saw that very clear picture of my future no matter how many prayers, cries or declarations I knew that it was true. That was going to happen. And here I am.. 6 years later and it’s still true. No matter how much I declared that it was going to be different and not be that…it is!

 

So I guess now I’m just trying to figure out…At what point do I just accept my fate as a single and start living alone? At what point do I start my collection of ceramic owls from around the world? Or just decorate for Christmas and never take it down?

It’s a weird thing to realize that the saying “once a bridesmaid never a bride” an actual thing. Hey at least I’ve been in a wedding… always the aunt never the mom is the other saying. Get to hold the baby just not have any responsibility…it’s great… all the dreams but never the reality.

It’s hard to hold onto hope because hope hurts. Hope does disappoint..because hope seems to get you no where.

Been a long time…Been a long time comin’

I am back in school. It feels weird. It feels totally crazy. It feels like a big time psyche out. It feels pretty normal. 

Probably the strangest part is that I have to go to my classes at the Camus that I first started going to school at when I graduated high school almost 20 years ago (gross, old). So that is so surreal. My first week back was flooded with memories that I haven’t really thought about in a long time. And then the whole being in a class thing as a student has been a little less than a breeze. I’m feeling the pain of transition. 

One of the nights as I was driving home there was an ad for a show coming up with the “Cherry Poppin Daddies” and I was like what in the world…what YEAR is this anyway?! It’s just so bizarre. 

I was driving with my mom and just telling her about how all these things are so strange and her response was that maybe God is redeeming the time. And all I could think was I sure hope so. 

While I have done a lot of stuff with my life it hasn’t really been the life I had hoped. I still hope that there’s time for me to see some of my dreams get out of the waiting room and get called out already. 

So when I was in college the first round I started to do a lot of writing. Blogs didn’t really exist then so I am going to utilize the tech and use my blog again. 

Teenage Time Machine

Do you ever wish that you could go back to a point in time to tell yourself a few tips? I never really have. I just always felt that whatever happens, happens and just learn to live with it. But lately I’ve been like, dang I wish I could go back to give teenage self a word of advice. The exact moment would be senior year “prom” night.

The few weeks leading up to our “prom” my girlfriends and I were all dateless. So we were like, no worries, we’ll just go together as a group and it’ll be fun. Then slowly, one by one, they all got dates. All, but me. The night got there and I get the great pleasure to be the third wheel with my best friend and her date. I remember thinking, “it’s cool…. it’s just high school… there is time.. there will be dates and fun nights like this where I will have a ‘partner’ to spend the event with….” it’s right there, in the car, at that thought that I wish I could sit next to my teenage self and tell her the truth. Nope. You won’t. It’s not going to be your turn. You aren’t going to have a ‘partner’ to spent any event with. This moment of being a third wheel will happen over and over and over again. It just isn’t going to happen. So that thought.. just chuck it out the window and start to focus on something else, on some other dream, on something else that can bring you joy and pleasure, because that will not be one of them.

I wish I could have told my younger self those words. Just get past that idea. Don’t even entertain those thoughts because a lot of years later they won’t be fulfilled. And it’ll be a lot of years, a lot of heartache, a lot of tears, and a lot of wasted thoughts around the “future” that would include a partner.

Unfortunately, time machines don’t exist. Unfortunately, there were years and years that entertained the hopeful thoughts and dreams. It’s too bad. I could’ve really focused on making myself a better person and accomplishing something that mattered in life instead of hoping for something that doesn’t exist.

But the brain is a curious thing. No matter how much you tell it to stop thinking about something it just continues and grows. It’s unfortunate that the root of the desire really comes from a garden and a Creator that said it is not good that man be alone. Those are some serious roots to have to dig up and burn.

Dig I must. Sitting in the back seat of the car just isn’t working for me anymore.

Moving on… to what

A couple of years ago I got the flu. I hate the flu. I hate to be sick. But then again, who actually likes to be sick? No one. We pump up the vitamins. Drink more water and OJ and lemon with ginger. We sleep more. We exercise more. All to avoid it! But back to the flu. So at the time that I got the flu my brother and sis-in-law were in town for a visit. And they got the flu. My whole family, basically, got the flu on the same day. But we were all in different locations but in the same area. My housemate had recently moved out so I was in a cold house alone. It sucked. As I was lying there in my bed thinking about how terrible being sick was.. the fact that I was by myself was even more terrible. And then, the question I had been avoiding decided it was time to make its presence known… is this what it’s really like to be alone? Is this what I have to look forward to for my future? My family is there, yes, but they are all together in their own homes.

It was a pretty sad thought. And it’s a thought that just keeps on coming up.

As I prepare to move to another location- I get the great pleasure of doing it alone, again and again and again.

Is this the way that life is supposed to be? No. Sure doesn’t seem like it.
The Bible talks so much about how it’s not good that “man is alone”… He created a companion for Adam because he knew it wasn’t a good idea.

I don’t even know where I’m going with these thoughts.. I just know that they are swirling around in there. I think about aloneness a lot. People are always saying “but you aren’t alone” but in reality- that isn’t true. And they are all saying that from their not being aloneness so they really have no clue what they are saying.

Well, this is awkward…

I used to love parties. At one time, I wanted to be a party planner or event planner because I loved parties so much. Especially theme parties, those were the best. But these days, I dread the party invite.

Now all the parties are bridal shower parties, baby show parties or birthday parties (which are full of engaged couples, couples, or new parents with babies). Those are all great for those people that are celebrating these fantastic events and milestones in their lives. And then, there is me. Mostly every time the oldest person in the room, the only single person in the room and the only non-parent in the room. Most of the conversations that start with the crazy “getting up in the middle of the night to get the baby” stories fall flat before reaching my ears. The “walk down memory lane” of walking down the aisle or the nerves that are building because the big day is just around the corner are just as foreign to me as speaking mandarin. And then, no one knows what to say… So…. How have you been enjoying this weather these days? (Awesome, we’re talking about the weather, really intriguing topic) I sit in these houses that my peers own and think to myself, “I’m older than this person and I can’t even afford a slum apartment and they own their freaking house.” What happened? How did I miss that track of life?

Then I ponder what it’s going to be like down the road and realize, this is just going to get more and more awkward! I’m still going to be the oldest one in the room and the conversation will be revolving around how the kids are graduating from high school, college, etc. and I’m still not relating.

How do I enjoy those parties? What is the proper way to blend in when you clearly don’t belong in those circles? Maybe it’s time to say so long to the party days. This will just get more and more awkward. And let’s be real- no one is comfortable with awkwardness.

Dreams Die

I went to a show tonight. Like a legit, pay at the door, get a stamp, walk in, people watch, bob your head back and forth and stand with your hands in your pockets, type show. It was fun. I felt old. It was sort of sad. It brought back a ton of memories.

When I was 13 all I wanted to do was put on shows. That was my dream. Invite a band to play. Promote the show and have a ton of fun. I put my first show on when I was 19 and it was everything I wanted and then some. For the next 11 years I booked shows, ran a venue, managed a staff, promoted and had a ton of fun. Of course, it wasn’t all fun and there was a lot of work, a lot of money lost, a lot of drama, and a lot of learning. But through those years all I ever wanted to do was run a venue. I was living my dream.

I’ve never felt that I ever had “my thing” throughout my life. Like people tend to be really good at something and that’s “their thing”. I remember once receiving a very specific prophetic word about being a “multi player in a baseball game” that I could play every position and play every position really well. I know that it was meant to be encouraging but it kinda bummed me out. It basically re-enforced what I had felt for so long. But when I was doing shows, I kind of felt like I had found “my thing”.

Currently, I look around and see a lot of people who are pursuing their passions. I can see that they have a drive for what they are doing. I have a family full of these people. I have siblings that are married and have kids, that is like built-in purpose/”thing”. They figured it out.Serving a spouse and being a parent is like the #1 awesome thing you can do with your life. Pretty much every single person I know is in the same boat. Dreams achieved. Check.

A couple of years before I stopped doing shows I got burnt out. I just didn’t enjoy it anymore. I wasn’t having fun and the hard work didn’t have much of a reward anymore. So, I stopped doing shows. And my dream died.

I think that some dreams need to die – and stay dead. There is a purpose in the death of a dream. They ran their course and to resurrect them would only be ugly and smelly.

I have no regrets stopping. I know it was the right thing to do. There was no part of me tonight that was like “dangit, why did I stop?” There was the part of me that was like “dangit, what is my dream NOW?”

And I think that’s the hardest part about seeing dreams die. Not having another one to take its place.

This needs to be said…

2013 was a rough, rough year for me in the friend department. I briefly mentioned it in the last blog and will not spend time lamenting (too much) in this blog but I just feel that I need to state some things and then move forward.

Last year I had 3 specific friends walk out of my life. I completely understand seasons and times change and people change and I’m 100% OK with that. But that fact alone that life changes doesn’t mean that hurts don’t happen. I struggled for many months with my emotions toward these three and the way that it made me feel. Wondered why I couldn’t just “get over it”. Why it hurt so deeply. I sought counsel from other people, asked if I was wrong or had done something wrong that they could see, asked if I was a bad friend (to them specifically or to people in general) and daily wondered what was wrong with me.

The hardest part in this was the silence. The “understood” vibe that was being sent out from these three. Actions most definitely spoke louder than words in these instances.

I went through many months of valuing myself the way that these 3 people valued me. As trash easily thrown out and forgotten, as a person/friend that was not valued, as a person/friend that didn’t matter, that all the years (13+, 10+, 7+) that we spent in each others lives’ meant nothing or was worth anything to them. In 2013, those thoughts and feelings were heavily influencing the way that I thought about myself, my ability to be in relationships and my contribution to relationships.

I kept asking and asking why it was so difficult for me to move on and to just “forget” those people (as they had obviously forgotten about me). I prayed. I cried. And I prayed and cried again! Finally, I received one response that really made me stop and think.. that person said to me, “Sash, you can’t ‘move on’ quickly from this or just ‘get over it’ because you love deeply and you are loyal to your core…” Those words were like healing balm to my broken soul. They jolted me out of where I’d been for many months and caused me to re-evalutate my thought life.

And that’s when I decided that this is what needs to be said…

The message that was sent to me from those people was that I was not worthy of friendship, that I am not a valuable person, that I am unloveable, and that I didn’t matter..

THAT IS NOT TRUE. 

I am a friend worth having.
I am valued.
I am a person to “keep around”.
I matter. 

I am not a perfect person. I have hurt. I have been hurt. I have made poor decisions. I’ve had to say “I’m sorry” way more than once.

But I am worth more than silence. I am worth more than throwing me out like last nights trash. And I will not allow these people to dictate or influence the way that I think about myself anymore.

Enough is enough! 

I have really examined my life through this experience. It has made me value those that are in my life, currently. To be more honest with where I am at and walk through the rough stuff with people. I have been so thankful for the friendships that I have.

I felt that I needed to publicly declare that I am washing my hands of those people. I am not holding onto their view of me and I’m releasing it back to them. I also release them from the hold that I may have ever had on them and release them into the love and hope of Christ. I wish them all the best and truly do hope that they have amazing lives!! I have some great memories with them and will always be thankful for those times!

I am moving forward. I am moving toward a loving God that will pick me up when I’m down, fill me up when I’m empty, and lead me to arms that are willing to be honest and go the distance by my side. Why? Because…

I matter.